Shy Girl Asks Crush To Sadie’s In Intimate Moment, Surrounded Only By Her Closest Friends, More Peripheral Friends, Her Crush’s Friends, Some Teachers, Basically The Whole School

Written by Luke Herzog, Chief Satirist

PACIFIC GROVE, CA一Local student Meredith Nichols finally worked up the courage to ask her crush, Clive Westerson, to the Sadie Hawkins Dance this Thursday. Armed with a punny sign, a bag of French Onion Sun Chips®, a bottle of Arizona Iced Tea,  and the entire PGHS student body, she shuffled toward her quarry. “What is it, Meredith?” asked Clive, having been notified about the time and place several days earlier. “Finally, a moment alone with you,” she declared. The whole school craned their necks as Meredith raised her sign and murmured, “I’d be laCROSSe with you if you didn’t go to Sadie’s with me.” The whole school leaned in, hands around their ears. “Didn’t quite catch that!” shouted a boy in the back of the crowd. Meredith sighed. “I SAID, I’d be laCROSSe with you…” Clive placed a hand on her shoulder. “It’s alright Meredith,” he whispered. “Just make sure to project next time.” Clive cleared his throat. “Yes!” he responded, remembering to use his diaphragm.