A Totally Legit Christmas Story

A Totally Legit Christmas Story

Photo credits to Patrick Herrera

Written by Thomas Paff, Journalist

I bet you thought this was a story about the holiday spirit, didn’t you?  You can’t judge an article by it’s exclusively alluring title!  Anyways, now that I have your attention, dear reader, let me tell you a story.

Four weeks ago, a wee lad called Tommy was allotted the deliciously daunting task of writing an article for your very own school newspaper, NewsBreaker.  For clarification purposes, this entirely fictional and untrue character, Tommy, is in no was affiliated with Thomas Paff, the author of this devious article. Tommy was assigned this task on a Monday shortly after around four mundanely invigorating classes, meaning his mind was wandering somewhere in the Stratus’ above, dreaming of world domination and kittens.  Tommy’s mind was brimming with these lovely thoughts when our celebrated lord, savior, and chief editor Luke Herzog, ardently asked Tommy what article he wanted to write.

Tommy looked up, suddenly realizing that all eyes were on him.  What would he write?  Tommy hadn’t exactly come up with any great ideas to write about.  Easter was still pretty far away, so Tommy couldn’t write about it.  Flying cars hadn’t been invented yet, making writing about them a little bit challenging.  How about an article on the science of coolness and dabbing?  Oh, wait, the connection is nonexistent.  Desperately searching for ideas, Tommy glanced around the room.

Oooh hoo hooo!  There were a lot of pretty distractions around the room.  Like, there’s a giant stuffed unicorn PlushPal on one of the bookshelves!  And, look!  Posters!  Distractions!  More  distractions!  Cool distractions!  Deliriously distracting distractions!


Tommy was putting of the inevitable choice that he would have to make, practicing an exercise known all too well known to high schoolers.  Tommy was procrastinating.1

Shameful!  How utterly beautiful, and by beautiful I mean atrocious!

“I’ll write about… ”  Tommy glanced around the room one more time.  The stuffed unicorn on the bookshelf glanced back. “…procrastination.”

Gasps filled the room.  The first rule of procrastination is: You do not talk about procrastination.

The other members of the League of Grandeur and Grammar–I mean, NewsBreaker journalists–shivered, inevitably wondering why youthful, innocent Tommy would bear such a vicious and daunting task.  What would Tommy dare write about procrastination?  How would he write it?




*I can’t comment too hard here, seeing as I, the author and totally not the individual this purely educational, scientifically supported, New York Times bestselling article is about, am writing this two weeks after it was due.  On a Sunday night, at 11:00.  I should probably go start my AP HuG notes sometime soon…