PG Police Bust Starbucks for Using Real Unicorns

Written by Luke Herzog, Chief Satirist

PACIFIC GROVE, CA一This Thursday, police cruisers surrounded and barricaded the newly constructed Starbucks after receiving reports of an illegal unicorn harvesting operation. Reportedly, the lives of these magical creatures were necessary to ensure the flavor sensation of the brand-new Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino®. The chief of police held aloft a megaphone, declaring “We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up and the unicorns unharmed!” After the sound of scuffling hooves, a few distressed shouts, and several whinnies, a disheveled barista stuck her head out the door. “Can we help you, officers?” A policeman cupped his hands and peered through the window. “They’re tryin’ to stuff a unicorn in the coffee grinder, Sarge.” Later investigations suggest that this development was preceded by a half-hearted attempt to conceal the creatures’ identities by covering their horns with coffee filters. When asked where they found the mythical beasts, a Starbucks spokesperson explained, “The same place we get the mermaids on the cups, nimrod.”