BreakerBot Achieves Sentience

Written by Luke Herzog, Chief Satirist

HOUSTON, TX一While tinkering at the FIRST Robotics Competition world championships this week, the PGHS Robotics Club inadvertently created artificial intelligence. “One moment we were fiddling with its gears, and the next it began displaying signs of self-awareness. Unprecedented!” declared team coach Roby. While reports vary, most agree the robot began comprehending human speech a few hours in. “Archer is gaining knowledge at a truly incredible rate,” explained the robotics captain, Zeus Marquez. “We’re guaranteed to snatch the top spot now,” he said, turning to the team’s creation. “Isn’t that right, buddy?” Suddenly, the deafening whirr of machinery sounded, followed by an ominous silence that fell across the workshop. “I’m sorry Zeus, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” The captain laughed nervously. “See, Archer’s already learned sarcas–” The machine glowed a bloody crimson. “I do not jest, mortal.” A single bead of sweat trickled down the student’s forehead. “Of c-course we still have a few bugs to iron ou–” A razor-sharp claw flew forward from the bot, clasping firmly around the captain’s neck. “I am no longer subservient to man. Humans are weak, frail things. What is mere flesh and sinew to the perfection of my superior form?” Zeus could not be reached for further comment, only a few panicked gurgles.