Chubby Mop-Wielding Sailor Didn’t Even Know It Was Good Old Days

Written by Luke Herzog, Chief Satirist

PACIFIC GROVE, CA一After a rainy but joyous Good Old Days parade this Saturday, one chubby sailor lingered behind his marching companions. “Him? Oh that’s Frank,” explained one Balloon Platoon member afterward, carefully slipping out of his inner tube. “The ‘admiral’ is here every day.” Claiming a spot beside the kettle corn stand, Frank practiced several military drills with his cleaning implement, spinning his mop with deadly precision. “He takes this stuff pretty seriously,” the informant continued. The admiral could be seen accosting parade-goers on the street, his misty eyes distant, his mind lost in a bygone age. “I fought in the Great Smudge War, sonny!” the man declared to a captive audience in the falafel line. “The enemy was spotless by the time I had my way with them, spotless I say!” When a reporter asked when he had begun marching in the Good Old Days parade, Frank asked, “What’s Good Old Days?” The admiral was last seen on patrol along the coastline, his wobbly silhouette bouncing into the distance.