Broke Billy Breaker Breaks Beaker

Written by Luke Herzog, Chief Satirist

PACIFIC GROVE, CA一Having used up his last sand dollar, a despondent Billy Breaker declared bankruptcy this week. The distraught mascot wandered aimlessly down the halls, water dripping from his eyes (and everywhere else). Students greeted him warmly as he passed, but he reportedly only managed a salty stare and a cold wave.

Wandering into Chemistry, Billy fiddled hopelessly with a beam balance before turning his attention to more fragile glassware. Witnesses at the scene watched as Mr. Breaker mishandled a beaker foaming to the brim with a purplish chemical. The subsequent spill bored a hole deep into the floor of Mrs. Pignatelli’s classroom. The wave declined to comment, saying only he was “all tide up.”