Pignatelli Says Most Important Thing On Valentine’s Day Is Chemistry, Afifi Suggests Opposites Attract

Written by Luke Herzog, Chief Satirist

PACIFIC GROVE, CA一The science department, in an effort to embrace the romance in the air, elected to offer the student body free Valentine’s Day advice this week. Mrs. Pignatelli was confident, declaring: “It’s all about chemistry — that’s the solution. How do they react? Are they flammable?” Mr. Afifi’s brow wrinkled. “No. No, that’s not it at all. Opposites attract — says right here.” He held aloft a physics textbook. “Page 408! Would Hewitt lie to us?” The two teachers raised their voices, faces reddening and veins popping. Witnesses at the scene reported the sounds of shattering test tubes and rambling equations. Meanwhile, Miss Eberle scoffed. “Look, you either got it or you don’t. It’s all in the genes.”