Cheerleader Thrown Into Air, Has Yet To Return

Written by Luke Herzog, Chief Satirist

PACIFIC GROVE, CA一A cluster of cheerleaders huddled uneasily  on an overcast afternoon this Friday, glancing expectantly at the sky. “Samantha was–ahem–is our best flyer,” explained the cheer coach. “It’s just, well… We never realized she was this devoted.” Pacing back and forth, one spotter exclaimed, “She burrowed a hole right through the cloud layer!” After a few hours of waiting without success, the cheerleaders began taking shifts. “This is SUCH a Samantha thing to do. Always has to be the center of attention. Always the top of the pyramid… I have homework to get to!” muttered a particularly dispirited girl. In unrelated news, the alarms in NASA’s Office to Coordinate Asteroid Detection have been blaring, sending scientists scrambling — an unknown body is hurtling through the stratosphere at an alarming rate.