Butterfly Ban Proposed

Written by Luke Herzog, Chief Satirist

PACIFIC GROVE, CA一At a city council meeting this Wednesday, unrepentant town fool, Ronald Schlump, submitted a butterfly ban for the council’s consideration, insisting that the ban was in Pacific Grove’s best interest. “Very bad, real nasty butterflies out there — tremendous problem, believe me.” The council sought further explanation, reminding Schlump that butterflies have been the heart and soul of the town since its inception, that the community is what it is largely as a result of the monarchs’ annual migration, and that our town is known for our acceptance of butterflies each year. “For goodness sake,” said one council member, “our slogan is ‘Butterfly Town, USA!’” Schlump was unfazed, his eyes glazing over until the criticism concluded. “Tremendous. Problem,” he repeated slowly.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he added. “I’m great with the butterflies — they love me — but people are saying they can hit you in the face while you are riding your bike. Real danger there, and I’m the only one who can do what needs to be done.” Another council member pointed out that this was just one example: “Surely a single rogue insect shouldn’t be reflective of 200 million monarch butterflies?” Mr. Schlump blinked. “We need to start putting Pacific Grove first.”

This reporter still needed clarification. “Is that not a rejection of our town’s most basic values? How can we allow butterflies to die a cold winter’s death when, with our assistance and without much difficulty, we can provide them with a new home away from tragedy?” But Schlump simply spat, “What’re you, from The Eggplant? Fake news!” As he shuffled away, he could be heard muttering, “Scum… horrible people… totally dishonest…”